Welcome To Holland

I would like to share an amazing poem with you....

Those who know me well know that my journey into motherhood has not been like that of most people around me.  My journey began fruitlessly and transitioned into loss, of various types.  Unlike so many women who get a positive pregnancy test, tell everyone they know right away, and 9 months later cradle their baby in their arms, my journey was never so sure.  I have mourned the fact that my path has been painful and difficult, and often wondered why.  Over time, I have discovered my own interpretation for why.  I am positive that those painful experiences have changed my view.  I do not take pregnancy or my children for granted, as perhaps I might have otherwise. I do not complain about so much that others do, because from the beginning, I have looked through different lenses; lenses of deep gratitude and appreciation.  I found this poem, written by a woman who wrote for the TV show, Sesame Street.  She was asked to describe what it is like raising a son with Down's Syndrome, and wrote this poem as her response.  I identify with "Welcome To Holland" because I have never experienced the journey so many others have been on; I've never been able to take sweet beginnings for granted.  But if I were to continue to grieve that loss, I would be unable to appreciate the beauty of where I am today, and the gift of perspective that looking through these lenses has given me.

"Welcome to Holland" - Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…
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When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome To Holland”.

“Holland?!?” you say, “What do you mean “Holland”??? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned”.

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

Family Reflections

Recently I found myself sharing with another person the fact that my mom still has not met our newest daughter.  Evie is 18 mos old.  My mom lives an airplane ride away.  We offered to fly her round trip, first class.  We even offered to pay for her hotel room if she felt too cramped or uncomfortable in our home.  She refused to visit.  Yes, I am her daughter, and this is her grandchild.  And she recently travelled by plane to visit one of my siblings, so she is able to travel.

So there it is, this hurt and embarrassment, put out there.  Hurt, yes.  Embarrassment, why?  And therein lies the topic of my post.  At the moment of sharing this story, I felt embarrassment.  I have always been one who reflects inward first...is the flaw me?...before asking if it is the other person.  Is the unspoken message that my own mother doesn't love me or my children enough to visit?  What a poor reflection on the family I come from.  And therein lies the embarrassment, because that's NOT how I was raised, that's not what I am.  I come from better than that.  But in that moment when my story was met with silence, I felt like the integrity of my upbringing was found to be lacking.  

On the heels of this feeling, was a different thought...that my mom has a problem, but her problems are not a reflection on me.  Somewhere through the years she changed from the mom I grew up believing I knew, and became this.  But this is not what I come from.  It is only what she became.  So as I sit here reflecting on the fact that my mom still hasn't met our 18 month old daughter, I realize that it is her loss, and that it speaks volumes about her, but that her choices now are not who I am, or even an accurate picture of the mom I was raised with.  No, the embarrassment is not mine.  I love my mom and can accept who she is, but her choices are not mine.  

Sibling Love

I caught Connor taking a moment to cuddle with one of his favorite peeps, Gabby.  Then Cameron wanted to join in too.  I love these children!!!!

Christmas 2012

Here we are, Christmas morning 2012.  The boys were awake and downstairs, getting into their stockings at 2:30am!  Dan heard them and scooted them back to bed.  At 3am, Hannah & Lily were doing the same!  Again, Dan heard them and scooted them back to bed too.  All our children are early birds, but this was a wee bit too early!  It was a whirlwind morning with such a flurry of wrapping paper that I wondered if I'd ever remember what my living room floor looked like!  The children had a wonderful Christmas!

Gabby wanted a stuffed caterpillar so badly for Christmas!  Just like the one she plays with at my OB's office.

Lily was excited to receive Josephine, an American Girl, from Santa.  She has long, dark hair in a braid, just like Lily.

Santa gave Hannah a bunk bed for her American Girl dolls.  It matches her bed in her room.

Evie loves the play food she got for Christmas!  Here, she is playing with her set of cookies.

Connor is such an avid reader!  Santa brought him a Kindle for Christmas.  He looks pretty happy about it!

Cameron's #1 gift request this Christmas was a real army jacket.  Mommy & Daddy found an actual jacket worn by a soldier at the Army Surplus Shop.  The store even had a machine that makes dog tags right on sight, AND I found another place that would make a fabric strip with LAMONTAGNE on it, and I sewed it on the jacket.  Totally official!  

The only other gift Gabby asked Santa for was a pink dog pillow pet.  It's all about pink for Miss Gabby!

Evie playing with her play food.  Look at those lovely curls!

Cameron exploring the art set he got for Christmas.  He's turning into quite the artist.

Hannah reading her American Girl book.

All my peeps posing after opening presents in their PJs, saying a warm Christmas thank you and hello   :)

Blonde, Barefoot, & Pregnant!

Dan's sense of humor here...he caught me blonde, barefoot, and pregnant....and in the kitchen!  Not sure why, but he gets a kick out of this every pregnancy   ;)  (6 1/2 mos pregnant)....

Spice Rack

For Christmas in 2012, the children and I gave Dan an air compressor and nail gun set.  He has had to borrow a coworker's several times to do household projects, so I figured it was time to buy him his own.  His first project was to add a spice rack to our pantry.  All my spices had been occupying 2 shelves in my cupboard.  It was a jumbled mess, as things tumbled over each other every time I tried to take out just 1 thing.  It was frustrating.  It was a mess.  We couldn't tell what spices we had and what we were out of.  A spice rack was much needed!

Our jumbled spice mess in our cupboard, before the new spice rack.

Top of the solid oak spice rack.

New, empty spice rack on the pantry wall.

Spice rack is in place and filling up.

Close-up of spice rack.  Notice that the shelves are labeled.  Yes, I'm anal (I mean, organized!)

Taken from the floor of the pantry...a full length view.

Dan used solid oak to build the spice rack, and oak crown moulding isn't available locally, so Dan will have to order it to dress up the top.  But it's looking great and I have room to spare!  Now all my spices are sorted by baking spices, cooking spices, food colorings, extracts, rubs, etc.  And what will I do with my empty 2 shelves in my cupboard?  Well, I finally have more room for my overflow of cake pans, muffin pans, etc!  Thank goodness, because that was the next kitchen dilemma!  :)   So glad Dan is handy with home improvement projects!  And he LOVES his new Christmas gifts.  He's actually looking for more projects to use his nail gun on.  No complaints here!  And I offer a thanks to Art, Dan's dad, who got Dan interested in home improvement projects as a child.  I am grateful  :)